It started again? A week before today? "Never again, is what you swore, the time before" - Depeche Mode lyrics, from their song "Policy of Truth"?
(Referring to me tripping out a couple times on ecstasy(ALONE)after having been sober for just over 15 months, after being in a Therapeutic Community, Long Term rehab program, so I was going thru some intense emotions, and feeling the horror of knowing that I've completely LOST MYSELF(SOUL)
Coming close to the end of misery has set me off so numb inside. So a two day trip was the only answer I could find. I am so different than everyone. For all the pain that has happened to me was caused by my own hands. A worst enemy. So hard to hold a defense. A self destructor in its finest hour. So I decide to break from Reality once more. One glance into my eyes, you can see a Fallen Angel searching for his Soul?(I try and tell people, I LITERALLY LOST MY SOUL-and this the 1st time going over ANY OF THIS) So lost inside. You can tell, I would not hurt a fly. So at times of anger, I thrive off my own pain. This pain was a feeling of ecstasy?(don't know) Washing away all that reality has stricken upon my fantasy filled mind. FIENDING for Love! FIENDING for Heaven! Wanting to just die......for years. Rejecting Life. falling to the mercy of my own cries. You can never call this poetry. For poetry is flow, and flow does not exist here. Nobody might ever know how special I really am?(okay, I am lost now-have no clue what I'm talking about) I always knew I was different?(E.T. maybe? One can hope!)I cry for a life line, but you will never know who is shedding these tears. I can be revealed by looking into my eyes, and seeing a pure soul, confused and alone. For I would be the best Lover ever, who would never leave his Lovers side. It feels like this World has no room for a Dreamer. I feel it is so unfair that I have had so many chances throughout my life, rejected suicide. But people who don't want to die don't get any chances. J.L.M.(R.I.P.)Jared Lashay Morris. So sad and scary. There's to much going on, Fiona Apple(I have no idea why I wrote her name?). I'm to close to giving up again. All I want now is total numbness. To feel, NO MORE! I know there is one goal that will never break. I shall never hurt anyone! For I might fade away soon. When I do fade, you will all know who I am?(Hmm?) In my final hour, I will smile once more! I feel most afraid when I want to live. Through my more than ten times of white light, and death, there was no fear.(???????) I don't feel much pain when I thrive for death. It's been over two years since I felt this way. It's back, and I welcome it. Noone will ever know how crazy this white boy is, that forever holds a smile, and is so kind, but I know I could rip anybody around me apart.(What the heck????? that last part???)
Okay than? My thoughts about this. I feel that last part was all the fear I went thru for so long, had me really defensive, and offensive toward the world. I know I searched for fearlessness a lot thru my insanity? NEVER WORKED! The rest, I kind of liked. That I talked about Love loyalty. And loss of Soul. The friend that died was a vegan that never touched a drug, alcohol, cigarette or had sex-he was pure-SO WHY DID HE DIE? To become an Angel maybe? This was really sad for so many, and raised so much doubt in a lot of people about GOD. Barely made it thru any of that. Thanx for reading-BLUR(Phillip Proses)
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